One of the most life-altering decisions a person can make during adulthood is whether or not to have children. It’s a choice that’s often made either very deliberately or completely subconsciously, like we knew the answer to the question long before we ever thought to ask it.
But sometimes, the decision is made for us … in the form of two unexpected blue lines on a little plastic stick that leads to its own secondary set of choices, or after IVF treatments don’t result in the child we desperately wanted.
At TTFA, we know that difficult decisions are often accompanied by painful realizations … that even if a choice is the right one for us, there’s still a grieving process that follows. And we definitely know that when the choice was never ours to begin with, the reality is heartbreaking.
But there’s another layer to it: the feeling that when you don’t have kids, you’re markedly different from your friends.
We asked: what do you wish your parent friends would do differently?
And you had so much to say:
from the childfree-not-by-choice:
“Please acknowledge my grief around not being able to have children.”
“Don’t assume I'm childless by choice.”
“Remember that my heart is permanently broken, and I’m grieving the kids I won’t ever have.”
“I want kids but can’t find a nice enough man to do it with. At times you make me feel so behind.”
“That even if it feels like a choice (because I haven’t found the right partner yet), it’s still heartbreaking at times.”
“Don’t give me sad eyes whenever the topic of parenthood comes up. I’m not a tragedy.”
from the childfree-by-choice:
“My interests aren’t trivial just because I chose not to have kids.”
“Stop telling me I’ll change my mind or that I won’t know real love until I have a child.”
“When I gush about my childfree lifestyle, I am not judging or belittling your choice.”
“I can feel 100% sure of my choice and still feel left out.”
“My problems are just as valid even if they’re not kid-related.”
“Just because I don’t have kids doesn’t mean I don’t have a family.”
“Sometimes you make us feel like our lives are less important.”
“I’m still allowed to be tired / burned out / overwhelmed."
“I don’t feel like I’m missing something just because I don’t have kids."
“Not having kids doesn’t mean we don’t like them."
“I want to be invited to your kid’s soccer games and recitals.”
“We love your kids but loved you first and would like to spend time with just you sometimes!”
“I love kids and want to hear about the hard stuff, even if I don’t ‘get it.’”
“I don’t want to talk about your kids all the time. Be my friend, too, not only their mom!”
“Please make an effort to know things about my life.”
Listen:
In “Still A Family,” Anaya and Dave Lee describe their experience with pregnancy loss and infertility treatments — a story that ultimately ends without a child but with a loving family and a full, vibrant life.
In “Should I Have Kids?” our producer Claire McInerny details the conversations she had with her partner about having children, and the anxiety she feels around having to answer this important question as she enters her late-30s.
In “Childfree by Choice,” available exclusively to our TTFA Premium subscribers on Patreon and Apple+, a listener named Ashley shares the reasons, big and small, that she chose to remain childfree in a world where parenthood is still considered the default.
Read:
Looking for more stories that center the experience of people who aren’t parents? You can save 10% off any and all books linked here or in our storefront with code TERRIBLE.
No One Tells You This by Glynnis MacNicol
No Kidding: Women Writers on Bypassing Parenthood edited by Henriette Mantel
Childfree by Choice: The Movement Redefining Family and Creating a New Age of Independence by Dr. Amy Blackstone
I Can Barely Take Care of Myself: Tales from a Happy Life Without Kids by Jen Kirkman
Is there anything on this list we’re missing? A book or film or podcast about living a full childfree life that you recommend? Tell us in the comments below!
XO,
Team TTFA
PS — we’re going on tour between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Come join us for Happyish Holidays LIVE!
And maybe their spouse died before they were able to get pregnant. And maybe being a dog mom is the best option they have right now. Grief can be just as tiring as kids.
Maybe your family/friends have chronic illness. Attending to their illness might demand a similar amount of attention as attending to a child.